Monday, February 16, 2015

Continue of Something Old...

She could still remember the way that he first kissed her. It was so calm and comforting. She felt as though she needed more from the start, she craved it. Each touch was new, each stolen kiss was divine and each look was like begging a new adventure that only they would go on.
Everything was so perfect, everything seemed to fit into both their long and short term plans for themselves and now she was lost alone. She never thought that this kind of pain could exist.
He was gone.
Her heart broke into a million pieces that day. If only she told him the truth, would he still have gotten into that car? Would he be here with her and have forgiven all her past mistakes? What she wouldn't do to be able to go back and spend one more hour with him in the blissful silence that had once surrounded them.
It was almost four years ago to the day that he left on the trip with his family and now she wished that she wouldn't have been so mad at him for going. She should have enjoyed the time that she had with him more.
She spent most days sitting on her deck, watching the waves roll in and out. Trying to ignore the neighbors, who seemed to think that because she was out sitting on the deck that she was in the mood to talk. She hadn't been able to say anything to the people that mattered since the accident. She wondered if they blamed her, she blamed herself, so why would they be any different
She stared down at her feet to Mouse, her cat, staring up at her to be picked up. She laughed.
"If you want up here that bad then get up here yourself." she reached over and picked up her glass of red wine before taking a sip and placing it back. "It won't be too much longer before we're going to have to go back home, they'll start to worry about us if we don't."
Mouse jumped up and settled herself into Willow's lap before meowing again.
"I know, I don't want to go either, but all dreams must come to an end, right?" she sighed.
Was I ever good enough for him? Was he the one that I really wanted or did I want him because he could give me both the attention and affection that I craved and wanted? If I was enough, then why did he fight so hard to push me away?
“Maybe this time will be different than last…”
She didn’t think that it would, it wasn’t ever any different.
Her life would fall back into what they wanted of her and that would mean marrying soon. They would set her up with old friends from college or people that they grew up with, none of which would ever take her away as Xander did. If she let her parents deide she knew what her life would be.
At 23 she still had plenty of life left to live and she didn’t want to be tied down, she wasn’t even ready for a relationship, let alone a marriage.


Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Will he come online tonight?

What to do till he got on? She could do her homework that she was assigned in class... no she knew that she wouldn't be able to give it the full attention that it needed. She could play the 360... no she still wouldn't be able to get past the level of Devil May Cry 4 that she was stuck on. There was nothing that she could think that would hold her interest long enough. She opened MSN and stared at the screen.

She had known him in high school, and had met through one of her many ex-boyfriends, but never gave him the chance to really get to know him. She almost dated him after they graduated, but she moved out of state and she thought that it would be better if she didn't talk to him after that.

She dated his best friend, when she moved back to Denver, and things between them became awkward and soon after they were fighting more than anything.

He moved a few months after she got back and they talked every so often, but it was never like it was before and it usually ended with one of them leaving without telling the other. Or something just as bad.

Their last actual conversation was almost four years ago and now she wonders if there was anything that she could have done in order to make things less awkward when they talked. Nothing came to her when she thought of it or their time together that summer.

Lately she had been able to talk to him more and slowly getting to know him, something that she started to wish that she did in high school, and now she was looking forward to their nightly chats. She didn't know then but she liked him more than she lead everybody to believe, but now that they were talking again she didn't know how to tell him.

She kept thinking about what he had said to her the first night they started talking again.

"Each time I look back on that summer I’m reminded how dumb as toast I was and how great you were."

She shook her head not believing that he could mean what he said.

Her class was long and boring, she knew everything that they were being taught. Characterization, making your characters your own and stuff like that, not something that she didn't need to sit through.

6:50 pm

The day had passed slowly as she waited for him to get home and on MSN.

Twenty minutes before he got home, at least.

Would he get on today like she hoped?

She knew that he liked her still and that she liked him, but she wasn't sure what would become of it. She didn't know what to expect from him, he confused her more often then she understood him.

7:00 pm

She sat up straight and looked at the screen again.

He would be on soon, wouldn't he?

She smiled when she saw a pop up saying "Matthew has signed in."

She typed:

No reply came.

'What? He's there, but why isn't he talking to me?'

She typed:

Still nothing.

Now she confused, she hadn't said anything the day before to make him mad did she?

She didn't think that she had.

She rolled her eyes and began on her homework.

10:00 pm

She sighed and picked up a book from off the top of her desk. She had to do something, maybe she should have gone out with her friends, like they wanted her to. But she would rather sit in her room and talk to him, she'd talk to him all night if she could and there have been times that they almost had.

She never expected to feel this disappointment, and almost hurt, when he didn't answer her messages.

She stared at the book and threw it onto her bed when she decided that she didn't actually want to read it.

'Maybe I should go to bed early...I do have that class in the morning.' She rolled her eyes and began getting ready for bed. 'If he isn't going to be on when he said that he would then I'm not going to wait on him.' She laid on her bed and stared at the ceiling.

6:30 am

She looked over at her computer and sighed. This was the fifth time that she had woke up since she decided to stop waiting for him. She got up and walked over to her computer. She entered her password for her screen saver and stared in shock.

Hey sorry I missed talking to you, I was out later than I had expected. I miss you.

She smiled and went back to bed, knowing that she'd talk to him tomorrow.

Saturday, February 7, 2015

Dreamless Sleep

She missed him, but not the way that she thought she would. She missed being his friend and always being able to turn to him when everything went crashing down on top of her.

She hated him for so long for not fighting for her. For not believing that she was good enough and the worst of all, she hated him for making her hurt more than she ever thought was possible.

He was her first love and now all that's left where he once was is an empty whole in her heart. He was her friend, the one that promised her the world and asked almost nothing for himself. She fell in love without knowing it. True love, or so she thought.

The things that he says and the things that he does make her believe that she's in a dream, one that she never wants to end, but all good dreams must come to an end.

She hated calling him, after they parted ways, because she could still hear the love in his voice and her heart would tell her to scream what it was feeling. But she ignored it she had to if she was going to let him go for him to be happy. She never thought she was right for him, no matter how many time him or her heart told her that she was. She was scared of everything that he wanted for and with her, but she couldn't tell him that either.

It had been four years since she had seen or talked to him. Four years of hell and she often wondered if he thought of her, if he wondered why she did what she did to keep him at arms reach and finally drive him away.

She always thought of herself as a screw up, one that doesn't deserve a first chance at anything, let alone a second one. She messed up the perfect relationship that she wanted and now all she can do is think about what she once had and wish that she could have again.

She walked alone down the middle of the street, staring up at the sky remembering all those nights warm that they would just walk the streets. She jumped when she heard, or thought she heard somebody call her name. She turned around and saw him standing there staring at her like the last four years hadn't happened.


"Yes..." he paused. "It's been a while."

"Yeah, I guess it has." she looked around nervously.

He walked over to her and sat his hands on her shoulders.

"Things haven't changed..."

She shook her head.

"Can't you see that they have? We've both have changed."

"I love you!"

She woke up and looked around the room and slowly started to cry herself back to sleep again. Hopefully deep enough to have dreamless sleep.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

The Boy

The boy I saw
in school everyday
and in church every Sunday.
You know the one,
the shy one in the back
that kept staring at me
with little more to say
than a 'Hello'
or a 'Goodbye.'

The boy who
I grew to love,
without knowing so.
The one who
I now tell all my secrets
and deepest fears to.

The boy that
knows how to make me laugh
when all I want to do is cry.
The one who sits next to me
when nobody else dares.
The one I owe everything to,
he's standing right in front of me now,
not as a boy,
but as a man that I love
and now share my life with.


Something that I wrote a few years ago.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Something old...

Shivani was so desperate not to get hurt that she pulled herself away from anybody that she thought even had the potential of hurting her. Including the one that meant the most to her. She thinks of him and the times that they shared together often. She missed him more than she thought she ever would and she often wondered if she was the cause of their split. She felt like she held back too much, that she didn’t give him enough credit or that she had somehow missed on her one true love. 

This was the man that now had her not caring much about anything, so much that it hurt her. She never thought that this hurt that she was feeling would ever come from him. 


Was it really love?

Could she have really of loved him?

She never would know now. She didn’t dare try and figure it out now.

She wished that she could go back in time and unsay the things that she said. Or at least know what he was thinking about after she finished talking.

Did she say too much? Should she have held back like usual?

The words ‘I could have loved you,’ are now etched in the back of her mind. This wasn’t how she wanted the rest of her night to be spent. To be sitting there wondering if there was something that she could have done or said differently. Something that would have made him turn around and stay there with her.

There was nothing more that she could do to make him understand what she felt toward him, sometimes she didn’t even know. But for tonight she stared up at the ceiling trying to forget the pain of the day that she so desperately wished was over.


I’ve never told anybody this before, but I think about him still. He was the one that got away. The one that almost was, the could have been, if we didn’t let ourselves get in the way.

He was different. He saw me in a way that nobody else had before him and no one has since. He could see through any of my defences that I would put up, even if we weren’t in the same room. He could make me see what he saw in me and more than I ever thought was possible. It scared me how quickly he fell into my life. 

I loved him back then, even if I didn’t realize it. If I did know it, I would have been too afraid to say it. Looking back I often wonder if others saw what should have been so obvious to us.

There are so many things that I would love to say to him now. But there’s just one thing stopping me...fear. I’m afraid to pour my heart out to him and to hear him tell me it’s too late.

He drove me crazy, but I loved every minute of it. We would spend hours in his car, just driving around, talking. Or listening to one of his crazy conspiracy theories. It was awkward at times, but for the most part it was perfect. It was everything that I didn’t know I was looking for. Sometimes even now, I wonder if he still thinks of me.